Invaded, trapped and guilt are three words that come up a lot when I talk about my journey with infertility. The emotion of invasion and trapped really lead to the emotion of guilt. It took me a long time to finally nail down actual words/emotions for these feelings that I have had for the past two years.
I feel extremely invaded by all of the different medications that I have put into my body during this time. These medicines have changed my body, the way that I feel, my mood, and my emotions. I feel invaded when I go to the doctors every other day or sometimes daily, and have blood work and internal ultrasounds. I feel invaded when we have to follow the doctors decisions on what is "best", even thought we know it is right. My life is invaded by a whole host of things that were never wanted. I want to be invaded with a house full of baby items, little clothes, sweet cries and the smell of a little one; not needles, ultrasound probes, a body I don't recognize, and crazy emotions.
This feeling of invasion leads me to feeling guilty. I mostly feel guilty about what the medications have done to me. I feel guilty that I have put on weight, I feel guilty that I am in a bad or sad mood often, and I feel guilty that I don't have control of my emotions a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like I am not even the same person at all, and I feel guilty that I am not the person that Monroe married. Monroe has never put these feelings into my head and never would, and for that I am thankful. That is not to say he doesn't get frustrated with my crazy highs and lows, but no matter what I know he will be there for me. Heck, this girl feels guilty for feeling guilty, its really a spiral that I need to stop.
first failed IVF cycle, I was in the car with my mom, I finally put words to what I was feeling....TRAPPED! When we are in the middle of a cycle I feel like I am stuck, and no not just with needles in my belly. I feel almost like I am on house arrest. Start the day with a shot at the same time, doctors appointment, wait for the results from the blood work and the instructions on what to do next, shot at the same time each night then fall asleep because the medication makes me so tired. I am trapped in South Carolina, I can't go too far from the doctor and I can't go anywhere without Monroe because who would give me my injections. If we go somewhere in the evening we have to be home by 8 so that I can have my shot, or have the awkward moment of creeping off to a bathroom so that I can get my injection. I feel trapped in the way that I feel, and stuck in the endless thoughts of what is going to happen this month.
The two times that we have had to "sit out", I have wanted to be anywhere but South Carolina. I want out and about, I want to run, take a hot bath, I want to see my family and friends by going to them. I LOVE being free from all things medical. I have even wanted to be independent from Monroe, time to myself where I can concentrate on me and only think about what I want. Here again guilt shows its ugly face; guilty that I am being selfish, guilty that I want the heck out of dodge, and guilty that although we are "sitting out" my mind is still occupied with when will we have a child.
These emotions are all things that I am working on, and trying hard to take each day one at a time. It helps that I have finally figured out what I am actually feeling, and I have lots of people who can help me combat against these nasty emotions. I am thankful for the people in my life who are constantly telling me not to feel guilty, and most importantly speak truth into my life. I am thankful for my strong faith that keeps me going and a trust in the Lord that all will be ok, and He will work this out in His time. I am blessed with a husband who loves me despite my crazy right now.