Thursday, May 16, 2013

Next Steps

The last post I wrote about our journey with infertility we were about to have our second IUI. Once again we got negative results, each negative seems to be more crushing and frustrating. As hard as it is for me to admit I think sometimes it's harder to face the idea of yet another month of shots, blood tests and ultrasounds than not being pregnant. I struggle with the selfishness and reality in the statement that I just made, and I struggle with still not having a baby. There is so much more wrapped up into that negative pregnancy test than just not being pregnant.

Monroe and I were faced with a decision to make, another round of "super ovulation IUI" or move onto IVF. I was not ready to go down the IVF road, so we decided that another round of IUI is what we would do, although I must admit I was never at peace with this choice. As we were about to start the next cycle I got a phone call from Dr. Miller saying that he really believed we needed to sit out a month and go on a low dose birth control to regulate my system again. It seems that my body was not responding as well to the stimulation medications as it had in months before, and he wanted to "down regulate" me in order to rev up my system again. I got off the phone totally defeated, and heart broken. Monroe was in a meeting so I was unable to talk with him. I spent about an hour praying and realized this was an answer to our prayers; we had been asking the Lord to make it clear what our next steps should be. He was answering so clearly, IVF is the direction we needed to take. I was suddenly filled with such a peace with this choice. Why stimulate my body in hopes that it works (and that we don't overstim) for another IUI just to get more negative results? I made the call to the office the next morning and told my nurse we would be moving forward with IVF.

So now 3 weeks later we find ourselves about to start the IVF cycle. I must admit I didn't ever allow myself to picture us in this place, but here we are and we are at peace with it. I would be lying if I said we weren't scared, but our excitement outweighs our fears. The Lord completely broke me, He brought me to my knees and I had no other choice than to turn to Him, and trust this was what He has written for us. I have chosen to take each step in obedience and turn to Him for my comfort and my strength. I really have never felt such comfort and peace about anything in my life, I know the Lord is giving me this strength and it really is the best feeling. I know the Lord is giving Monroe the patience and empathy, and strength to get us through this. I constantly look to Monroe to hold my hand, to care for me and to protect me; I am so thankful for his loving nature and his true understanding of what all this process involves for me. I am blessed by him greatly!

The day we made the decision to do IVF I got in the car to head to the grocery store and "While I am Waiting" by John Waller came on the radio. I hear this song and I feel like I image my Tennessee Vols feel as the run through the power T into Neyland Stadium. "I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience." Lord, I will serve you and worship you while I am waiting.
I am humbled by the out pouring of love I have received from my sweet friends. I have said before that it is hard to go through this without the support of my girls. There maybe 1,000 miles between us but I have the support of every one of them. Thank you for your sweet emails, cards and phone calls. I treasure each one of you, and you are each such a blessing to me. I feel so blessed by the friends and family I have been given.

We covet your prayers and assure you they are felt. These next few weeks will be a challenge but we are trusting and praying and know that He has us in His hands and gives us a peace that passes all understanding.

14 comments:

  1. I am praying for you as your start the IVF cycle. I know it had to have been a huge decision and a scary one. He is so in control though and how wonderful to feel His peace through it all. I listed to "While I'm Waiting" a lot through our infertility journey and it was such an uplifting song. : )

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    1. Thank you for praying, we can sure feel all the prayers as we start this next stage of our journey!

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  2. We are praying for you as you begin this next phase of your journey that will be parenthood. I know first hand how kind and loving you are with babies,know you are going to be wonderful parents. I know God's has a child waiting for you and cannot wait to meet him/her.

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  3. So glad that you reached a decision that you are at peace with. When we were cycling for our first (which took 6 years to conceive!), I just to wear out the speakers on my computer at work listening to While I'm Waiting. Praying for you!

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    1. I think my speakers are wearing out as well :) Thank you for praying!

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  4. I want you to know I pray for you and Monroe constantly! I know you trust God's plan and I am excited for you to start this next step. You are such a strong and Godly woman! His plan will exceed anything you have ever imagined! xoxo

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    1. Thank you Joy! Praying for you daily as well. Thank you for being just a text message away and for being so understanding. xoxo

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  5. Its crazy because I find myself exactly on the same journey. We did IUI 4 times and were all unsuccessful. I found myself at the IVF road as well. We have chosen to wait for a number of reasons but I just wanted you to know I'm here if you need anything. I will definitely be praying for you and complete success with IVF. God will protect you and strength you :)

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  6. I'm keeping you in prayer for God's peace that surpasses all understanding. Have a wonderful weekend with your beloved hubby :)

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  7. wow going through this sounds incredibly difficult! I pray God will move in your lives and work miracles!

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  8. Many prayers for you...Thanks for sharing your story....I was so touched

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