IVF...Round 1

It's hard to believe that my egg retrieval was three weeks ago today. These past three weeks have seemed to go quickly in some ways, and just drag on and on in other ways.

I know that people are waiting for a post about the outcome and I have been delaying it, because it is not the post I wanted to write at all. However, I will start from the beginning. We went in for our egg retrieval on July 29th, you can read about that here. Three short days later on Thursday August 1st we went in for our transfer. The transfer was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. As soon as the doctor brought in the picture of our two little embryos to the pre-op room, I was at such peace and we were so in love with those little blobs on that piece of paper. I kissed sweet Monroe bye with huge smiles on our faces and they rolled me down to the operating room for the transfer. Because the lab is attached to the operating room and done in the hospital and not the doctors office, Monroe was not allowed to go with me, it is a super sterile environment to protect those little embryos. I was nervous but as soon as I saw my favorite sonographer I was immediately at peace, she provided so much comfort. The atmosphere in the operating room was happy, uplifting and I felt like everyone was excited. The doctor did a test run to see exactly where he would be placing those little cuties, after that I hear on the speaker from the ART lab "I have Albert and Kathryn's embryos"...here come the tears. The doctor went to what looked like a bank window and was greeted by a man in a space suit who handed him a long catheter containing our babies!!! I could watch the whole thing on the the screen of the sonogram machine, it was like 2 little white stars entering into my uterus. The most amazing thing I have ever seen. After that they rolled me to post-op and I laid and in incline for about an hour, Monroe read 1 Samuel 1 to me, we prayed and listened to music. I was so relaxed I felt like I was at the spa. After hanging upside down for a bit, they put me in a wheel chair and I was on my way home to stay in bed all day. Let me just say that bed rest sounds way better than it actually is. I couldn't sleep and couldn't get comfortable. I was thankful that it was only for 24 hours.

That following Saturday Monroe had his 10 year high school reunion, it felt so good to get out of the house. I started feeling bad that evening but just thought it was from the progesterone supplements. I was getting waves of nausea, dizziness and felt really full. Well really early Sunday morning things took a turn for the worst, I was sick. I called the on call doctor and he said that it sounded like OHSS, which is a complication of IVF. He said it seemed like I was in the beginning stages and to drink lots of water. Sunday evening Monroe and I laid in the Eno for awhile and it seemed to really help take pressure off of my abdomen and back. The relief didn't last long, I was up all night Sunday sick and around 5:30am Monday morning was in so much pain I almost had Monroe call an ambulance. I called the doctor as soon as they opened and they had me come in, I was a sight thats for sure. I was so dehydrated that they couldn't get my blood, but had to keep trying until they got some. They did a sonogram and an ultrasound and sure enough you could see two huge pockets of fluid in my abdomen. My blood work came back abnormal, "sluggish" as they called it with all the counts messed up (can't remember the details) but it sure did scare me. They told me I had to drink tons of water or I was in danger of ending up in the hospital. Well, drinking water doesn't sound hard but when your stomach is pushed up into your chest because your belly is so full of fluid and your are extremely nauseous, drinking water is the LAST thing you want to do. Zofran pretty much saved me.

My sweet Mommy drove down on Tuesday and it was so good to see her, and it gave Monroe a break from being nurse. Poor guy hadn't been to work in over a week. Finally by Wednesday I ate something, first thing in my mouth other than water since Saturday night. By Thursday I was able to venture out to the grocery store with mom and continued to feel better as each day passed. It was so wonderful to have her here, wish I would have been able to get off the couch and do more with her, but I know she will be back for a fun visit soon.

We were told not to take a pregnancy test, and I had promised everyone that we wouldn't, and for the first time in 3 years I didn't have any in the house. Well, Sunday Monroe asked me if it would be too soon to show up on a test I told him no but that I didn't have any and I wasn't going to go get one. Next thing I know he is gone and comes home with a test, tells me to take it and wont let me look at it. About five minutes later he comes out and tells me it is positive. WHAT? WE ARE PREGNANT!?!?! After seeing negative after negative I couldn't believe it. We were so excited. The next day I took 2 more and the lines were darker. We knew we were going in for our Beta test on Tuesday, but we knew we were pregnant and it was awesome. I didn't sleep a wink Monday night, was out of bed at 5:30 for our 8:00am appointment. It was such an exciting day and we couldn't wait to tell our family. At 9:30 when the phone rang, our world was changed quickly. It was Dr. Miller and he said yes, I was for sure pregnant but my HCG was really low. He said he wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet, but he also couldn't give me two thumbs up. He said we needed to come back in 48 hours for another test. We were told that it could either be slow to produce HCG or that we were loosing the baby. The one area in this whole journey that we thought was going to be black or white was suddenly gray. I was pregnant, but was I going to stay that way. We didn't know what else to do other than pray, but we each had a sinking feeling. We went back Thursday morning and I just knew I had lost the baby, I didn't feel pregnant anymore. Susan my sweet nurse called us right back and my HCG had dropped to 6, and 5 is considered negative. We had miscarried.

One of my dearest friends Lauren made me this frame and it will always hold the only picture we have of those precious babies.

These past few days have been so hard, I have never felt sadness like this before. To be pregnant, to feel pregnant, to see that positive test, and then have it taken away so quickly was more than I could handle. I love those little ones more than I ever thought was possible to love anything. I am so thankful for a husband who understands my pain, lets me cry myself to sleep on his shoulder and is and encouragement to me each day. I am thankful for my family who loves us and supports us and hurts right along with us. I am so blessed by old friends and new friends. We sure have felt loved during these hard days, and that is such a blessing. The Lord has given me grace and strength and I will get through this. We are determined and won't give up, this strength can only come from the Lord.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

Our sweet little ones are now wrapped in the arms of Jesus and will never have to know the pain and suffering and sin of this world. They are perfect in heaven, and this mommy and daddy find such comfort in that.

Thank you all for your prayers and support, you will never know how much it means to us. Please keep praying for healing of our hearts, and for endurance as we embark on the next step towards having a baby in our arms.