I have done a good bit of blogging about our journey through infertility. Each post I have done has been an update on where we were in the process. I thought I would do a small series and share some of the emotions that I have had over the past 2 years.
By far my greatest weakness, fault and sin struggle is anxiety, worry and fear; this is not new to infertility but something I have struggled with my whole life. I start each day asking the Lord to help to ease my fears and anxiety, and usually by noon I am praying that same prayer, then at dinner time again and finally it is my last prayer before closing my eyes to sleep. I recently watched and interview with a woman talking about a challenge in her life and she said "its one thing to quote and memorize scripture but its another thing to live it out in my flesh." This really hit home for me. I repeat Philippians 4:6-9 in my head all the time; I had it written on my desk at work, I have it in my car, in my makeup bag, and in my wallet; I probably should just get it tattooed on my forehead. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." Saying this verse, reading this verse and really believing this verse is one thing; but in the midst of an extremely painful circumstance trying to live it out in my sinful flesh is so difficult. I fail a lot of the time, but the Lord is teaching me and drawing me to Him, and I am becoming less and less anxious.
Recently, I have been really battling anxiety. I am so fearful once we start this next round of IVF that the same thing will happen, 7 days in and it will be called off. I know in my mind that the chances of this happening are not high, but that fear is still there. I am anxious about all the things I was last round, bit for some reason they are magnified. They daily shots, blood work, ultra sounds, egg retrieval, transfer, fear of OHSS, and of course the dreaded 2 week wait, all make me want to run for the hills.
I can honestly say that I have thought many times in this little hiatus, "I can't do this again, I don't want to do this again", and the one thing I thought I would never say; I just want to give up!!!". I am strong I KNOW I can do this, I may not want to but I CAN, and I don't want to give up. I know in my heart that this is where God is leading Monroe and I and He is just bringing us closer to Him.
I saw this today and after reading this I can't give up, we want more than anything to hold a precious little child. Our hearts and arms just ache for a child, and for this reason we CAN do this again, we will continue to fight this fight.