Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Emotions of Infertility Part 1 - Anxiety

I have done a good bit of blogging about our journey through infertility. Each post I have done has been an update on where we were in the process. I thought I would do a small series and share some of the emotions that I have had over the past 2 years.

By far my greatest weakness, fault and sin struggle is anxiety, worry and fear; this is not new to infertility but something I have struggled with my whole life. I start each day asking the Lord to help to ease my fears and anxiety, and usually by noon I am praying that same prayer, then at dinner time again and finally it is my last prayer before closing my eyes to sleep. I recently watched and interview with a woman talking about a challenge in her life and she said "its one thing to quote and memorize scripture but its another thing to live it out in my flesh." This really hit home for me. I repeat Philippians 4:6-9 in my head all the time; I had it written on my desk at work, I have it in my car, in my makeup bag, and in my wallet; I probably should just get it tattooed on my forehead. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." Saying this verse, reading this verse and really believing this verse is one thing; but in the midst of an extremely painful circumstance trying to live it out in my sinful flesh is so difficult. I fail a lot of the time, but the Lord is teaching me and drawing me to Him, and I am becoming less and less anxious.

Recently, I have been really battling anxiety. I am so fearful once we start this next round of IVF that the same thing will happen, 7 days in and it will be called off. I know in my mind that the chances of this happening are not high, but that fear is still there. I am anxious about all the things I was last round, bit for some reason they are magnified. They daily shots, blood work, ultra sounds, egg retrieval, transfer, fear of OHSS, and of course the dreaded 2 week wait, all make me want to run for the hills. 

I can honestly say that I have thought many times in this little hiatus, "I can't do this again, I don't want to do this again", and the one thing I thought I would never say; I just want to give up!!!". I am strong I KNOW I can do this, I may not want to but I CAN, and I don't want to give up. I know in my heart that this is where God is leading Monroe and I and He is just bringing us closer to Him. 

I saw this today and after reading this I can't give up, we want more than anything to hold a precious little child. Our hearts and arms just ache for a child, and for this reason we CAN do this again, we will continue to fight this fight. 



6 comments:

  1. I also struggle with this emotion daily. I used to get anxiety over the small things...like running out of toilet paper. No joke. I repeated that verse over and over. Another verse I love is 1 Peter 5:7-"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Anxiety from infertility is another emotion in itself. Praying for your upcoming cycle- praying for complete peace.

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  2. Praying for your daily! I'm so proud of you sharing your story and I know it is helping other women out there as well! Love you!

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  3. Fear and anxiety has ALWAYS been my issue, too. I was even an anxious kid. I was finally feeling like I had it under control when we lost our last pregnancy and now a whole new can of worms has opened up. It's a lifelong journey, no doubt.

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  4. oh, Katie. I am constantly battling fear and anxiety ... during our years of struggling with infertility it was so evident and I know how you are feeling as you face another round of IVF. there were so many times when i wanted to give up {and find myself feeling this way again now that we are adopting our little girl} because of fear that i will get my hopes up AGAIN only to be crushed. I'll be praying for you! I love that quote at the bottom of your post -- it is so very true. all of the pain and heartache and fear is washed away when you finally hold your little one. God is at work within your heart along this path and He will use all of this for His glory.

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  5. Hey there! I just wanted to say thanks so much for the follow back on Bloglovin'; appreciate it :o) Hope you're having a wonderful Thursday!

    - croppedstories@gmail.com
    http://www.croppedstories.blogspot.com

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  6. I found your blog on Kelly's Korner. My husband and I are trying IVF for the second time this month. We have been trying to have a baby for 4 1/2 years. Our first IVF attempt was in April. We were cancelled out about a week in because the medication basically did nothing. My first appointment for this cycle is tomorrow morning. I completely understand about anxiety. Sometimes it is so hard to be optimistic when you have experienced so much disappointment. I will be praying for you this month. Thanks so much for the posting the quote. It is perfect!

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