Friday, April 5, 2013

Thought You'd Be Here

It's 1:30am and I can't sleep. I have been laying in bed for hours listening to the snores of Monroe and Tango. These last 2 weeks have been some of the hardest that I have faced in this horrible battle of infertility. After our first failed IUI, Dr. Miller suggested we do what is called "supper ovulation IUI", which is an all injection cycle with blood work and ultra sounds every other day. I am not sure what made these past two weeks so difficult. I am not sure if it was made worse by poor Monroe's wrist surgery, and moving or it was simply the stress of being stuck by multiple needles each day. I tried to hide my anxiety as well as physical and emotional pain, and in fact I think I did a pretty good job. I think only my favorite 2 nurses knew just how upset I was. This could have been due to the multiple break downs in their office, I thank God each day for these wonderful women. All this being said, I went on Wednesday for my labs and ultrasounds and we are ready for IUI #2 on Saturday.

Getting back to tonight. I seem to forget each month how the HCG trigger shot makes me unable to sleep at first, and walking not so nice zombie during the day. So, after Monroe gave me my trigger shot at 8:00pm, I took a bath and tried to relax. Didn't help!!! It's now 1:30 and all I can do is lay here and think, and yes google facts and stats about IUI. I have read them all 6 or 7 million times but you never know, google could pull out some new facts for me to obsess over.

Anyways, I have been laying here praying and just repeating Psalm 37:4 which has been my cling to verse this cycle. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." I have found myself pleading to the Lord just to lead us in His direction and to guide us down the right path.

In one of my google searches tonight, I came across this song and video clip. I listened to Wes King's, Thought You'd Be Here, with tears pouring down my cheeks, it was just what I needed. We did think our child would be here by now, honestly I thought by now we would be pregnant with number two. However, the Lord has bigger plans for our family and I have total faith that He is working in our lives even when we just long to hold our child.

Here is the little video of the song that really touched me tonight. I really did not ever know I could miss someone so much that I have never met.

My prayer is for my sweet friends going through this, that you find peace and comfort in our Savior and  know that He has awesome plans for your family.

Many Blessings,


  1. My heart just hurts for you. I remember all too well those sleepless nights and days of feeling so unlike myself while doing injections and taking a cocktail of medications. Hang in there and look to the Lord for strength!

  2. My heart aches for you pain Katie. I am blessed to have a son, he's grown now and married. However, when I met my 2nd husband, we dreamed of having children of our own. He had never been married before, and longed to be a Dad. He adopted my son, our son, and has been his father now for all these years. However, we were never blessed with any children of our own. It never dies, the longing and desire never dies, so I do understand and feel your pain. Although at this point in my life I am looking toward becoming a grandmother in the next couple of years... I still wonder, each month, if I will be a Sarah....
    I'll be praying for you, for your sweet little blessings to grow.

    1. Thank you so much for your sweet words and prayers!

  3. praying for you! I know how difficult this all can be!

  4. Hello fellow Carolina girl. Pray everything is going well with the shots and you will soon be expecting. He makes us wait sometimes, but it is worth it.


  5. Katie,
    Thank you for your openness and honesty. I pray the Lord blesses your transparency.

  6. Katie, I believe the Lord guided my hands to your blog. As I was preparing daily verses for my own blog and sites, I found yours. I was drawn to read your article, not just share the link and move on like I do when in a hurry to get work done. I cried when I finished your open and honest words. After 3 years of trying for child #2, my husband and I have finally accepted to go to the fertility clinic. I always thought child #2 hadn't come along because of the stress of child #1, our beautiful 7 year old son who has adhd, ocd and a slew of other complications. Your words ring true when you say "the Lord has bigger plans for our family". I've gone through it in my mind a million times, perhaps the Lord only wants me to have this one child that I need to advocate for every day of his life just to get through the routine stuff. Maybe this is the Lords' plan and I have to accept it. Some days I think, perhaps its just Gods' timing, not mine and I'm being impatient. Again, your words touched me when you say "I really did not ever know I could miss someone so much that I have never met." That hits home for me. Perhaps this aching feeling I've had for years is exactly what you describe: I'm missing that child that I haven't met yet. God bless you for having the courage to speak/write this. God always has a purpose for everything. You wrote with your heart so that I and others going through the same experience could find you and connect. I wish you find peace and comfort in our Savior and know that He has awesome plans for your family.


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